| I am an angry gumball! |
[15 Apr 2003|04:53am] |
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mood |
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..that's a bizzare commercial. But oddly I just luff it, almost as much as that voting commercial from a few years back.
bush elepant- 'Sometimes, I wear my dad's pants.'
gore donkey- 'I invented pants!'
..I will never forget that.
Anyway. Forth night in a row where I got crazy/depressed/sad and then of coarse he mananges to finally show up and make it all better.
I'm going 'Glory' for the 'costume' party at EOD. Red dress-esque. I hope it's not too noticable that yes ..I'm not quite as little as I was two years ago -meep- ...everyone gets a bit pudgier when they have a baybay! But I have been Atkinsing more or less and it is helping so maybe it won't be too bad.
I was considering having a last minute get-together with some people on Wednesday, sort of a ..cut-loose hoo-rah to lighten everyone's mood before I leave. He Cut more scenes again ..scenes I liked. At this last minute frenzie rate nine tenths of crap with everyone's character will be left on the cuttingroom floor. Surprisingly, I'm not as upset as I used to get, though. I've made a lot of progress with my ..dependancy issues on my characters and it's okay, I can move on without too many hard feelings no matter what the cuts are, and during the eod interviews I'll remain bright eyed and bushy tailed and not even dilligantly complain! :D ..Or , I'll try to.
..Yes, my mood is lighter. Yay for light moods. and ..boo to all bad things.
And Cam ..I agree with you- now you've made me think naughty thoughts about bondage and Lucius. Grr! ;p
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[14 Apr 2003|11:14pm] |
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Heh ..just when you think things are going to work out exactly the way you dreamed ..there's another bump in the road ..
..probably always will be.
Maybe they're right. Maybe "I don't deserve to complain."
Maybe I am just a dumb girl, living in a dreamworld ..
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[14 Apr 2003|12:15am] |
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BLAH!
For the past three nights now in a fucking Row, things have felt really weird.
I don't really know why. Being apart from Brandon is ..hard as it is and that makes me really scared about going to Europe. He's been working fifteen hour shifts the past three days so we havent' had much time to talk, and when we do it's about some worry or fear. I just ..I don't know why I get like this. I don't know why he does either.
I feel like I go through withdrawl, like a fuckin drug and I *need* a daily dose of him or I start shaking and the paranoia kicks in like coming off of Coke. I just ..I don't know x.x I worry.
And then we talk and things seem okay but this seems to be a nightly pattern and I don't know how to cure it. So now I'm just, I don't even know where he is, he's not working at the moment but he's out Somewhere. And until he decides to come back, I just have to sit here ..worrying.
This isn't me. I'm not usually like this. Lately nothing's mattered but him. Work? I don't even care anymore about the stuff they've been cutting. Whatever ..
Europe? I don't even want to go. I mean I will, I have to, but I don't really want to. I just know that I'm going to be surrounded by a bunch of cheerful people that don't even Know me as a person during the events and I'm going to feel so alone.
Change is good. Maybe needing someone like this isn't a bad thing but, it is a scary thing. It scares me lately how much I love him. I'm not used to love and being loved. B'ah ..
-Clare
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[13 Apr 2003|02:12am] |
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mood |
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silly |
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-Stretch- I think I pulled an ab muscle working out today. Bleh.
Did some powershopping today with Nicole, we're all up to date with our convie wardrobes and ready to go. -Twirl-
And I bought Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
..Shut up. It's Cute. And Creative. ;p
Bugger off. Tee.
Oh! And I also roleplayed a bit.
..Yes Splatters, I'll update 'HS' VERY SOON. and MONDAY! Monday we'll work on it. We must before we both leave!
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| Update Whoring. |
[12 Apr 2003|03:32am] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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..I'm pathetically addicted to this journal.
And I'm starting to think I understand why. There's a few people I can really talk to about personal things, right to directly ..it flows like water. But mostly I feel so self-obligated to just, throw on a smile and act okay to the general population. And with the journal, I"m not speaking to Anyone. Yet, people can still see it. So it's a security-blankie, a stepping stone for me to just rant, rave, bitch, cry, and squeal when I need to without feeling weird about it and that way, people actually know when I'm bitching, ranting, squealing or crying without me having to directly tell them. It's ..kinda nice.
Anyway ..I worry about Brandon. I hope that these internal problems we both have ...I hope that us being together will be the medicine we both need to accept ourselves and our places in the world. Tonight he made me sad. I freaked out for two hours, knew he was sad, but couldn't get ahold of him, of coarse I was right on the money. And he said something to me ..a quote that ..
He's such an amazing person. His dreams, his realizations, his ability to force me to little by little see things inside of myself too that I didn't know were there ..he's simply amazing. And he doesn't know it, doesn't see it because no one else has ever told him that and I simply can't believe how anyone could miss it. He's breathtaking, his eyes, to look into them, his arms, to feel them around you like a sheet of stars, his breath soft ..his words that just sooth all the pain you could ever feel. He's amazing.
And the funny thing is that he sais the same thing about me. He sais that I'm amazing. That he can't believe that no one else has really told me that. He can't believe I have ever been made to feel alone.
But I have.
But he has.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want him to be alone. And yes, we're moving very fast.
But that confirmed it for me that it's not 'too' fast. It's perfect because we complete each other and when we're together we see things and grow as people.
I want to grow with him forever.
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[12 Apr 2003|02:00am] |
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This apart-time is partially killing me. I hate being away from him. I feel incomplete. And ..I can't explain why but when he's upset, I can *feel* it and I sit here wondering and worrying and then I get shakes like I'm going through fucking drug-withdrawl until he finally decides to call and tell me what's up, and when I sense there's something wrong there always is.
GOD. I can't wait until I get back from Europe, he'll be here for good and that will be that. No more of this long distance bullshit. I've had it. I can't live this way, thank god I don't have to much longer.
..No, I'm not psycho. SHUT UP! x.x
Anyway. Nickie and I are going shopping tomorrow for some new clothing- something fresh off the fashion racks hehe, for Europe. We were thinking of twinning it but, naw. Maybe same styles though ..we'll see. I'll definately be burning a hole in my wallet :D
A week from today and I leave. Do our thing there, have fun, come home ...and him, here, Permanantly. That will get me through the time far away. It will give me strength.
-Clarebear
I shut the stairs and ran up the door,
Put on my teeth and brushed my pjs,
Turned off the bed and hopped into the light,
All because you told me you loved me tonight
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| Aww cute quote |
[11 Apr 2003|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
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I shut the stairs and ran up the door,
Put on my teeth and brushed my pjs,
Turned off the bed and hopped into the light,
All because you kissed me goodnight!
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[11 Apr 2003|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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Hmmm. It's a really good thing that Brandon's a good cook.
I attempted solo tonight and set off my smoke alarm three times. Simply browning hamburger. ..I don't know how I managed to do this.
Haven't spoken to Brandon today, he's got one of those fifteen hour shifts ..g'ah. I hate Brandon-withdrawl. Makes me feel all lonely and paranoid.
Need comfort. Need love. I'm a needy puppydog.
Leave for Europe a week from today. I'll be all the way across the country from him. This does Not make a HappyClare. MMm'ph.
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[10 Apr 2003|09:48pm] |
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I'm crabby. I don't know why. I'm paranoid about things that I know are all in my head, worries and concerns that I'm fabricating in my mind ..and for what? Because of how intense everything is getting with Brandon? I love him to death, he's done so much for me as a person.
I'm just- so paranoid that this fairy-tale is *too* perfect. That something will ..God I don't know. And the past two days I've been getting suspicious over the smallest things. And that's not who I want to be, the weird suspicious girl ..g'ah. How is it going to be when I'm over in England? Is the distance going to help, or make me feel even weirder? And it doesn't help when seemingly good people make idiotic choices ..grr. Not to me but just, seeing that kind of thing is discouraging.
I just want to see the world become a better place. Where people don't get hurt and scorned, where bad things don't happen to good people. Just ..grr.
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[10 Apr 2003|07:48pm] |
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M'ehhhheh. Okay, so Micheal finally got my forum up, and i told him and others that I would actually drop a post in from time to time but ..the FIRST person to post there just -had- to be the psycho chick from 'gloryisagod' who just ..frightens me. So now I don't want to post there, especially to Her! -Whimpers- Am I a crazyperson magnet? Am I?
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[09 Apr 2003|10:17pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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 You Should Give Your Ex Herpes!You really hate your ex, but not to the point that you want him to die. Give him herpes and he'll get sores on his penis that will then turn into blisters, and then will open up into little holes. The sore will scab up and disappear after 5-15 days, but don't worry, they'll be back and he won't be able to stop them! What STD Should You Give Your Ex?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Hm, I suppose that's mostly accurate. Although I do strongly dislike most of my ex's, I don't care enough anymore to wish them death. Wouldn't be so horrible to have fate's "stupidity control" play games with them though. I honestly think STD's are mother nature's way of saying "Hey dumbass, if you can't wear a condom or keep it in your pants, you shouldn't be allowed to breed anyway." Granted some STD's aren't stopped by condoms but still. Nature's own 'survival of the smartest' I guess.
Anyway. Slowly starting to get organized for Europe. Bringing Anna is going to be risky in keeping her not involved in anyone's sleezy curiousity, but it's not okay to leave an eight month old baby in an entirely different country for a whole month. It's just not right and that's that. Took her to the park today too, and she spent two hours completely enthralled with the new discovery of sand. Gripping it with her hand, watching it slide out of her fingers and looking up at me with that cute "...ma, what the hell's this weird stuff?" expression on her face. Had to keep an eye on her twenty four seven the whole time though, she also had a tenancy to try to bring it to her mouth. And babies eating sand = bad. Later on I'm going to take her back there, put a sun bonnet on her and take some photos. They'll be classic and adorable.
..Not to be rude. ANd I'm sorry if this comes off that way. But when you're on aim and you're ghosting from someone..shouldn't that be a suddle hint to people that you don't want to be IM'ed? And then when they find and IM you while you're ghosting from them ..they're going out of their way to look if you're online? And ..that's not cool. Not to be rude..again , but, if I'm ghosting? Take a hint. Don't IM me unless I IM you first. Is it that difficult to have some common sense? It gets really irritating when you hint to people and they just - don't get it. at all. and then you feel bad when you have to literally hold up a billboard sign in front of their face before they finally get something. Grr.
If I had a genie lamp? My first wish would be to bless the entire planet's human population with the gift of common sense. It would solve a Lot of problems, prevent wars, hell it would be the biggest breakthrough our planet has ever seen. And a very worthwhile one. x.x
Now that I've pondered, then informed, then bitched ..I shall move on.
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[07 Apr 2003|01:31pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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freshman- verve pipe |
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For the life of me, I cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise, and we never compromised.
For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins, we were merely freshman.
I'm not sure what's got me down. I woke up this morning with empty arms and that automatically made me feel lonely. The comforting feel of someone taking breathes, air of life ..and Anna crying. And the look on her face was ..also lonely so I picked her up and bounced her and tried to be happy so she would too. But both of us felt a void, my smile forced and she wasn't even trying.
I'm taking her with me to Europe and that's that. I'm just going to find a way to keep her out of well, anything that I can.
And maybe I can hold on because when I get back, things will be different. Different in that hopefully-forever way.
Can something be so pure, so amazing that time won't spoil it? I hope so. I hope that when the time really comes nothing will bring back the void that he fills inside of me. I'm scared of time. I'm scared of reality pushing at the fragile doors of my fantasy come to life.
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[06 Apr 2003|01:01am] |
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ecstatic |
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...Heh. Cloud-nine. An epiphany.
I get home from Jessica's tonight and get a call from my favorite someone. It procceeds as follows.
( Read more... )
So in short, things are moving fast, but not in a scary way. Not before i feel okay with any of it. I'm totally okay with all of it. I'm so okay, I feel like Cinderella.
And I even have a crystal glass slipper to prove it.
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[05 Apr 2003|05:00pm] |
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Eeeeee. It's Official.
He's moving here permanently by my birthday. With me. ..probably goes without saying.
I'm in a whirlwind.
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[05 Apr 2003|02:07am] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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...there is nothing in this world more frustrating then when someone you're totally in love with is really upset, and not letting you in and telling you what's going on.
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[05 Apr 2003|01:29am] |
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I feel rather blue.
It was wonderful and comforting to see Anna and know she was indeed well taken care of while I was gone. But I realized there's no way in hell I can leave her when I go to Europe. I just don't know how I'm going to pull this off ..taking her when so many risks are involved. I don't want her involved in any of the media crap that'll be around during events but ..it's also not right to hide her like some kind of secret. I just know that she's not even eight months and leaving her for a month ..if something were to happen , I'm across the Ocean. That's not okay with me. It's too far, too long too soon. There are just so many pro's and cons and I don't know what to do, and I don't have much time to make descisions and arrangements. G'ah.
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[04 Apr 2003|05:29pm] |
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 discontent |
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-Halfhearted twirl.- I'm back. I'm alive and all is good. And no Gwyn, I'm not married. ;p Tee.
I feel slightly down though, happy to be back, wonderful to have Anna again and know she was safe but ..m'eh.
Be back later. <3
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| Survey .. |
[31 Mar 2003|03:09am] |
Out of boredom. stolen aqquired from Kimity's journal.
( Read more... )
Well, like a dress after prom(only not mine ..)I'm off. Oh and I won't be around for a few days, net-wise at least. Call if you need me'h.
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clarebearstare's journal
